January 24, 2010

40’s the New Awesome, and I’m Newly 40

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged at 10:09 pm by Andrew

I turned 40 last month…and it was no big deal. I feel great, and Lord knows I look great. But any age that ends in zero is like New Year’s — an opportunity for self-reflection. So I self-reflected.

As you all know, I’m a humble realist…a worker bee…someone who achieves dizzying success on a daily basis but doesn’t seek accolades. (The accolades just naturally find me.) So to ponder this “turning 40” concept, I decided to seek out some peers…to learn from those who are walking my same path.

I interact every day with wonderful people in my age group. Mothers and fathers, friends and co-workers…salt-of-the-Earth souls who live life the right way…people who’ve shed delusions of grandeur and have tapped into simple happiness. So I decided to choose two such people…not so much as role models but as wingmen. People I can relate to. Fellow 40-year-olds who share my outlook and with whom I can share my thoughts.

I chose Brett Favre and Jennifer Aniston.

In addition to all of us being 40, I find I have a lot in common with Brett and Jennifer. And that’s the point — I don’t mirror everything they do, nor do they copy me 100%. We’re unique individuals with similar qualities.

If you’re not familiar with them, here are some photos:

Let’s start with Brett. Despite slowing down physically and needing more time to recover from our activities, we both continue to dominate athletically. I haven’t talked with him lately, because we’re both slammed at work, but it’s interesting to watch our careers arc in unison.

Brett’s tearing it up with the Vikings, and I’m with him every step. The only difference — he focuses on football, while I’m a multi-sport athlete. I was hitting my boys in stride throw after throw this weekend as they ran their posts patterns to the mailbox and fade routes to the sewer. And I pounded the strike zone all morning thowing BP to my 11 & under baseball team. I don’t know if it’s work ethic or love of the game that keeps me and Brett at the top of our game. It’s probably just exceptional talent.

As for Jenny…I have to laugh. Neither of us is particularly vain, which is fortunate, because it would be easy to get caught up in how beautiful we are. For both of us, life is about happiness, not attention. Granted, I’ve been happily married for 15 years while Jenny’s struggled with relationships, but that’s where I’ve been able to help her. And she helps me by keeping me abreast of the latest hairstyling trends. It’s a two-way street for Jenny and me — a strikingly gorgeous two-way street.

So if you’re approaching a milestone, I urge you to find a buddy…someone walking your same path. Maybe it’s the mail man, store clerk, or co-worker. But find a peer you can relate with…not aspire to.

Find your Brett and Jenny, and you too can age with the humble awesomeness that we have. Keep it real!

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December 15, 2009

Shoulda Put a Bow On It

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged at 12:12 pm by Andrew

Tis the season for commercials where wives receive cars with giant bows on them. I’m sure there are some husbands who buy cars for their wives, but it seems absurd to me — patronizing, let alone extravagant. (Sorry Dear, I care too much about you to belittle you with a new car.)

But what really appeals to me in these commercials are the bows – the gargantuan red bows. Do people actually use these things, or are they only found in prop rooms at commercial studios? I’ve certainly never witnessed anyone receiving a gift with such a bow. And I know they’re not sold in the stationery section at Target.

Not surprisingly, these bows exist online. Carbows.com and largegiftbows.com sell them. [We should have known, right? Feltparkas.com probably sells soft rain gear, and we can likely buy rock paperweights at dumbgifts.com.]

I haven’t engaged in a lengthy search…I’m not fully committed yet…but it appears the bows online max out at 2 feet (for about $40). That just doesn’t match the 5-footers I see on TV. So I may continue the quest.

And when I find one, here’s my plan — I’m a gonna tie that on my car…or my wife’s car…and just let people think what they may. Did I receive a car as a gift? Did I give a car to my wife? Are we far wealthier than anyone realizes? Is Lexus now sponsoring DwyerTime? Who’s to say.

Or…maybe my wife and I will pull a little stunt. When my wife is at the kids’ school, I’ll put the bow on her car in the parking lot. Then, when she comes out, she can start squealing and jumping and thanking me in front of all her friends. They’ll be so impressed that I bought her a car!

Of course, some smartass will probably say, “Why did your husband buy you a used Ford?” Or that know-it-all Peggy will tell my wife, “If you already have an old white station wagon, why would you want another one?”

Friends can really be irritating. So I’ll teach them — I’ll put the big red bow on their car in the school parking lot. Then we can all ask them annoying questions.

I don’t know. Maybe the Internet has a User’s Guide to Big Bows, because I don’t want to look like a fool.

Gift-giving is treacherous.

Maybe I’ll stick with those ridiculous gift bags, and avoid wrapping altogether. But how do I fit a car into a bag?

Hmmm…GiftBagsForCars.com…

December 1, 2009

Say Hello to My Little Sheep!

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged , at 9:16 am by Andrew

Life is just different out West. And if you don’t believe me, consider this:

“Say hello to my little sheep!”

You know how it’s common to have a pair of granite lions out front of important public buildings, like libraries and courthouses? If you didn’t know that, you need to pay more attention to your surroundings. Maybe these will ring your bell —

But out here in Colorado, where men are men and women know it, we do it up different. We blaze our own trail. We live large. And we use bighorn sheep to protect our public buildings.

That’s right, they’re sitting like bookends at the entrance to a courthouse in Denver. If you live in granite lion country, you probably thought they were mountain goats…or a pair of dodge rams. (Hello?…that’s not even an animal…that’s a truck).

So if you’re coming out west anytime soon, if you’re planning a ski trip or taking the kids to the new Balloon Boy Amusement Park, you better come ready to live it up western-style. While that doesn’t involve concealed weapons or carabiners, it may involve bighorn sheep, alpacas and cougarpumas, be they granite, live or some combination of the two.

November 5, 2009

The Pink Movement – A Girl’s Only Hope!

Posted in Fun w/Photos, Top 6 tagged , , at 9:47 am by Andrew

Surely you’ve seen it in the sporting goods aisles — the pink baseballs, pink gloves, pink cleats, and pink soccer balls.

pink baseball glovepink soccer cleatspink-soccer-ball

This pink movement has existed in the sports world for several years, and it’s not limited to the basics of baseball and soccer. Even masculine pursuits like boxing, archery and shooting have gone pink.

pink boxing glovespink bowpink BB gun

Granted, it’s easy to scoff at these pink sporting goods, but a second look reveals a very serious issue. Indeed, there’s nothing funny about gender fairness. And by the third or fourth look, you’ll realize this may be the greatest challenge facing our generation. We owe it to our daughters to embrace the pink movement!

How else can we wean girls from their sedentary lifestyles? How else can we draw their attention from easy-bake ovens and doll collections? How else can we teach these fragile beings to run…to throw…to not squint in the sun?

HOW?

Let’s pink their world. You think that’s funny? There’s nothing funny about the fairer sex, dammit. And if we need to spike their drinks by coloring everything pink, by God, I’ll do it!

I’m not alone on this. In addition to the heroes in the sporting goods industry, people aroundpink calculator the world are picking up this pink cross. For example, we all know girls are intimidated by math…even scared of numbers. Fear not, Virginia, there is a pink calculator awaiting your dainty fingertips. Even textbook publishers now offer math books printed with pink ink. 

Religious leaders are seeing the pink light as well.pink crucifix For centuries, girls have been confused by faith, seeking spiritual guidance but finding only confusion. Let’s ease their pain — buy your daughter a pink crucifix, for the love of God!

Clearly, this movement is bigger than pink soccer balls. Consider these heart-warming stories:

  • Harvard and Yale now print diplomas for girls on pink paper, making it easier for these beautiful creatures to transition into the real world.
  • Some communities are paving their streets with pink asphalt so that girls will feel more comfortable driving. Yes Nancy…there’s a path for you in this world, and we’ve made it pink so you don’t get lost.
  • Cities are printing pink ballots so that women aren’t forced to merely copy their husbands’ votes.

This big pink snowball is gaining speed, but our work’s not done. Giant trees stand in our way, and they must be chopped down. That’s not just a snappy metaphor — girls need an obvious, clear cut, downhill path if they’re going to get anywhere…and they need pink road signs. I call upon my fellow patriots to address the following:

The true energy crisis in America is how confused our little ladies are at the gas pump…so many buttons…such odd shapes and figures. It’s time for pink gas pumps, Mr. Exxon. And it wouldn’t hurt to tint the gas, either.

Men, how many times have you come to the aid of a bewildered damsel at the airport, explaining what a “terminal” is or helping them find their seat on the aisle? Airlines must do their part with pink tickets, pink seats…pink airplanes!

Sadly, even the world of laundry — the one refuge where a woman should feel at ease — is rife with questions. Are top loaders only for shirts? Do dryer sheets come fitted or flat? For God’s sake Maytag, throw these ladies a pink bone and deliver some pink appliances!

These are formidable challenges, but aren’t our women worth it? So the next time you’re in Target, realize that the pink soccer ball on the shelf is actually an angel sent by God. Embrace it, buy it and hand it to a poor girl in the parking lot.

She’ll kick it all the way to the Promised Land.

October 28, 2009

“Orange-You” Glad It’s Halloween?

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged , , at 1:36 pm by Andrew

I’m all geeked up for Halloween, and who can blame me…

1. Halloween is on a Saturday this year, so we don’t need to worry about homework and getting up early and all the other trick-or-treating speed bumps that interfere with the gorging.

2. Daylight Savings ends on Halloween. Are you kidding me? This is like Halloween Nirvana. Time is essentially standing still for these kids!

3. Just as things couldn’t get any better, I found a 20-pound bag of Mary Jane’s for only two bucks! There was a whole rack of them at the “Second Chance Food Store.” I looked for an expiration date, just to be safe, but apparently these things never expire. How lucky are the kids coming to my house this weekend!

So yes, I’m excited for Halloween and I’m spreading my cheer all about the house and its occupants. For example, the kids have their final soccer games on Saturday…Halloween…so I e-mailed their coaches, suggesting it would be cool if all the kids wore costumes to the game. Killer idea, right? Apparently soccer coaches don’t like to have fun, because here’s how they responded:

“Your kid can wear whatever he wants on the sideline, because that’s where he’ll be,”
and…
“Why don’t you dress like Bozo.”

I won’t let those Halloween Haters drinking their Haterade put tears on my pumpkin. No, I’m showing my kids some serious Halloween fun. Look what I did for their lunches this week:

Monday: I added orange food coloring to the mayonnaise, transforming boring tuna fish to something I call “pumpkin fish.” Awesome! I think the kids were so proud and busy showing their sandwiches to the other kids that they didn’t have time to eat them.

Tuesday: I poured a whole bag of candy corn into the blender and made a cool Halloween paste that I spread onto Ritz crackers. I called it “Pumpkin Humus,” and same thing, they came home uneaten. I think the kids were really impressed!

Today: I went Halloween crazy and sent them to school with an all-orange lunch of mac & cheese and yams….Cha-Ching!
orange food!

I don’t know if I can top that tomorrow, but I owe it to my kids to try. Maybe I’ll wow them with PB & M — peanut butter and…marmalade!

And now my kids are really into it, because my daughter came home after the candy corn schmear and said, “Can’t you just give us goldfish crackers?” Food for thought. (Hah!)

Anywho, I hope you all have a great Halloween and enjoy more than a few Mary Janes — though, I’m sure your kids won’t give them up without some serious barter.

But one word of caution: not everyone is in a trick-or-treat mood. Case in point, an off-duty cop at a haunted house got a little rattled this week when a character approached him with a chainless chainsaw, and the cop pulled his gun. Some people just don’t know Halloween fun when they see it.

Not us at DwyerTime, though! I raise to you a forkful of pumpkin fish, and wish you a Merry Halloween!

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