August 26, 2009

Resolute…errr…Destitute Desk

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged , , , at 2:37 pm by Andrew

People often ask me, “Where do you write the genius that fills DwyerTime?” Actually, no one’s ever asked that. But I know you’re wondering but are too shy to ask.

Desk 5

So here’s a photo of the very desk upon which the nuggets of DwyerTime are hewn. Sound glamorous? It is. In fact, I constructed the gem you see above with my own hands. And someday, this desk will sit in the Smithsonian.

No…not because it displays fine craftsmanship. Good Lord, I’m not that conceited! My woodworking skills are quite crude — the table is assembled with unsightly screws, not carefully crafted mortise and tenon or cleverly hidden joints. How arrogant would I be to think my woodworking skills would qualify for a museum?

My desk will reside in the Smithsonian because DwyerTime will have unprecedented impact on society. (Again, not trying to be egotistical, just realistical.)

Hard to say exactly where in the Smithsonian it will be housed, but I’m assuming it will sit among the following items (with links to their descriptions):

President’s Resolute Desk
The Station Wagon
Dizzy Gillespie’s Trumpet
M*A*S*H Sign Post

I’m especially mesmerized by the Resolute Desk…

resolute desk pic

Perhaps I was too humble when I criticized my woodworking skills. In fact, the more I look at them, the more the similarities of the two desks jump out at me. These two photos could serve as one of those “Can-You-Find-The-Difference?” games.

But again, the point of this page is not to garishly indulge my ego related to woodworking. That would be silly. The point is to stay in front of what surely will become a crush of intrigue for all things DwyerTime. Likewise, you’ll be glad to know I’m now saving all drafts and discarded writings I deemed unfit for posting. I’m open to future scholars studying both my perfect and imperfect work.

Because I’m a giver.

Advertisements

August 18, 2009

When to Pull That Looth Tooth

Posted in Fun w/Photos, Parenting tagged at 3:22 pm by Andrew

I’m always ready to help a fellow parent (and on rare occasion, non-parents), so I want to pass on some new-found knowledge about teeth. As you know, kids’ teeth are always coming loose, often falling out and sometimes causing trouble. Many of you struggle with such situations — is it loose? which tooth is it? is it loose enough? should a tooth be that color?

While I’m not technically a dentist, I suggest you look for the following visual cues to determine looseness (or as dentists call it, “money for my boat”):

  • Change in gum color, from light crimson to pale reddish purple (i.e., from pink to pinker)
  • Swelling of the gums, to the tune of 5 denti-meters, measured diagonally at the vortex of the center of the mid-point

That may be too dense for many of you to understand, so I’m posting visual evidence of the tell-tale sign of looseness. Here’s what you’re looking for — when the tooth in question moves from its standard vertical position…to the highly not-standard horizontal freaky-looking position shown here:

I suggest you print out this photo and carry it on your person for ready reference the next time your child claims tooth looseness.

As always…You’re Welcome.

August 12, 2009

“Basterds”? School Can’t Start Soon Enough

Posted in Parenting tagged , , , at 10:37 am by Andrew

It’s a good thing school’s about to start, because with the marketing blitz upon us for Quintin “never-heard-of-subtlety” Taranteno’s new movie, our poor children will need all the learnin’ they can get.

“Inglourious Basterds” is fertile ground for the average 5th-grade spelling lesson. And school counselors will be challenged to undo the horror inflicted on any child who sees the violent self-indulgence.

“But Andrew, this isn’t a children’s movie…what parent would possibly allow their child to see this R-rated movie?” Apparently you’re unaware of society’s new rules:

  • R is the new PG
  • Parenting is the new Dumb

Parents have become alarmingly lax when it comes to limiting the movies their children see. Many of my son’s 4th-grade classmates (ages 9 and 10) took in “Tropic Thunder” (the movie that launched more F-bombs than WWII.) My daughter’s 1st-grade peers (ages 6-7) routinely watched such PG-13 movies as “Iron Man,” “Hellboy” and “Twilight.”

It’s interesting…the PG-13 rating debuted in 1984, when I was 14 and after parents scoffed at the PG ratings bestowed on “Gremlins” and the Indiana Jones “Temple of Doom” movie. In the 25 years since, apparently, children have become far more capable of processing violence and sex.

But hey, I’m probably just up-tight…other parents must be more enlightened than I. They know their children, and these parents wouldn’t dream of exposing their kids to anything they weren’t prepared for. And most kids probably don’t even notice the foul language and sexual references. Absolutely.

It’s fascinating how easily ignorance can masquerade as tolerance and enlightenment.

So as the new school year begins, be prepared for the following: Parents will hold up “Inglourious Basterds” as evidence of their strict rules. “Oh, I would never let my kids see that movie,” they’ll say, while giving the green light to every PG-13 movie and half of the R-rated.

You’re doing a bang-up job, parents!

August 5, 2009

Clinton’s Photo with Mr. Kim

Posted in Fun w/Photos tagged , , at 3:05 pm by Andrew

I don’t want to turn this site into a critique of political photos, but this shot really amused me this morning…

NORTH KOREA JOURNALISTS HELD

It reminds me of when we take photos of my kids’ sports teams: “OK, we’ll take one serious one…and then we’ll take a funny one.” So I have to think after this dead-serious shot, everyone cut loose. Bill likely had Kim in a headlock, while Kim gave Bill some rabbit ears. And the back row probably flexed their guns, flashed gang signs and stuck their tongues out. Perhaps TMZ will uncover a copy of it.

Isn’t that the most dour collection of souls ever assembled? It looks like a group mug shot. Or a Madoff investors reunion. Or a group of people spending time with Kim Jong Il.

Clearly, it must be North Korean custom not to smile for photographs…or in public…or ever. After all, North Korea has a storied tradition of having nothing to smile about. I’m thinking Clinton gathered his entourage together before the photo and said, “OK, remember what I said about not smiling. And I’m serious here, people. So help me, if one of you smile…I swear…you’re taking the bus home!”

Newspapers should use this shot in one of those you-write-the-caption contests. Entries would be along the lines of…

“After we take this photo, Supreme King of Power Sir Kim will sing a medley of North Korean show tunes.” Or…

“Clinton and his party paused for a photo with the Leader of the Unfree World after receiving a personal, two-hour tour of his Stuffed Cat Museum.”